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The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
I just ran a .003048K
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell