George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
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My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Why does laundry happen to good people?
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”