.. do you even science?
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I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine