me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
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Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Catering service
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
I can’t wait!
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.