[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
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friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.