Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
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Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon