Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
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angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
And then there were 4
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password