[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
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Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
when you don’t want to be too vague
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs