I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
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A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”