TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
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“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Based Erika
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.