Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
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Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
This dude got his own movie?
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Me, reading some of your tweets
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Whisper out to librarians!
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.