Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
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Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Bike is short for Bichael.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…