a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
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Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
In scandinavia they鈥檙e called fjarts
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
me: i鈥檝e started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
When I鈥檓 feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Someone in my daughter鈥檚 class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine鈥檚 Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 馃お
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Best mom ever 馃槀
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Venn diagrams. You either love 鈥榚m or you hate 鈥榚m. Or you鈥檙e somewhere in the middle.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you鈥檙e a goner.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.