Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
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fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
WWE is French for “yes”
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
In Canada they just call them geese
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Cats are still liquid.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.