Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
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“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.