Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
You Might Also Like
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
LOOOOOOL
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome