I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
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To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
You better watch out
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children