Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
You Might Also Like
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Shower sex be like:
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣