Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
You Might Also Like
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.