My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
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I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.