My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
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Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Here’s a meme
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.