Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
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INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
my first dose meeting my second
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies