me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
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KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Duolingo getting serious.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*