Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
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[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.