Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
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Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Herpes is trending, good job people
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
This is no longer winter this is harassment
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.