there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
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ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”