I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
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My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
no their not
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.