[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
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I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking