Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
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I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
excuse me