The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
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Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager