I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
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Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that