Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
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Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX