If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
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Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
going to the ER y’all need anything
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—