me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
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I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
I drew y’all a little something.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?