Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
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When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
never compromise your values
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Is anyone gonna tell them?
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead