[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
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I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Practicing safe sax
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…