yeah but what if it 饾椂饾榾 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn鈥檛 like 饾槅饾椉饾槀
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My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn鈥檛 find it.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don鈥檛 like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don鈥檛 study the moves of one gomez addams.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
It鈥檚 not about how funny you are, it鈥檚 about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.