Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
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[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
My favorite female superhero
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.