Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
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[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Incredible customer service.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”