my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
You Might Also Like
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Me trying to reach for my goals
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes