I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
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This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
How is it still this week?
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.