People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
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Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Simple enough.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.