Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
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ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Me irl
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too