somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
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Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Are we there yet?…
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.