[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
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My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants