POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
You Might Also Like
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
S/o to @funTweeters .
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them