Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
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[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog