My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
You Might Also Like
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
White Castle for the Win
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Wake me when AI does housework
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.