that colleague who touches your screen
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Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
My time has come.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack