Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
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This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
good let them take over I have had enough
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it